Sunday, 20 January 2013

Copying Women in Rom Coms Could Put you in Prison

Annie was newly engaged and she would tell everyone she met about her paramour and the fact that the were meant to be together.
Dizzy with love she was driving along when she heard a small child on the radio, talking about his recently bereft father and his struggle to find love. The father unwillingly answered the phone and spoke to the host. He described "the magic" that he felt when he first touched his wife. Annie's eyes opened, she wasn't wrapped up in her own fairytale anymore, but looking for a new chapter. Unable to sleep with his voice ringing over and over in her head, she decided they were meant to be together.
The next day she went on her computer hungry for the radio man. She began typing his name into the search over and over until she found a match. After finding her prey she hired a private detective to follow him and report back to her with photos. She was ravenous and sent a letter to this mystery man proposing a meet up. Unbeknown to her the man was unphased by her letter and he shrugged off her advances. Insomnia became her best friend, her mind dancing with the idea of her newest soulmate. The next week the child was on the radio again, describing the scene of his father kissing another woman. Annie knew she had to take it to the next level. She pretended that she was writing a story about radio callers, phoned round her contacts whilst nonchalantly mentioning the story. She obtained the number and called it anonymously, to ensure that she had found the right one, then hung up. Hearing the familiar voice of the child on answer phone, she got in her car in search of her one true love. Spotting his house, she crept round the side watching the father and the son playing gaily on the beach.....
No that wasn't an extract from a stalker's diary that was just a little synopsis of the film 'Sleepless in Seattle'. The film isn't an intense thriller but a delightful romantic comedy, unless it was accompanied by a different score. This is just one film which encourages women to act inches from bunny boiler and what's more its celebrated, with a happy ever after.
At some point or another you probably will have heard the phrase, "women are crazy" either during a conversation with a group of men talking about women, a disgruntled boyfriend or even another woman talking about another female's behaviour.
Who can blame this misogynist opinion to every strong independent women out there on film, there are five desperate unhinged messes.
Obviously Glenn Close gave us a bad name in her scary but brilliant portrayal as Alex Forrest in fatal attraction, where the term "bunny boiler" was coined. Thanks a lot Glenn, now all men think a females capable of this. It's in a film, a woman playing this character, therefore it must be true. There are some films that applaud a desperate but less knifey-stabby bunny boiler, and even almost justify it by making them grab their man in the end - in one form or another.
Tom Hanks even refers to Fatal Attraction in Sleepless in Seattle, "that film scared the shit out of me, that fim scared the shit out of every man in America", I think Tom it was globally and watch out there's one on your tail. You know one that sent you a letter, flew across the country to meet you and probably broke in to your house and licked your pillow.
Apart from Sleepless, there are some others that fall into the category. 'Only You', a film where the main character Faith, played by Marisa Tomei finds the name 'Damon Bradley' spelt on a ouija board when she's a child, then years later in a crystal ball convincing her that he is the one. Fast forward fifteen years, she's found a fiancé without this name, and because of this always holds back a little bit. Returning home she hears Damon Bradley leaving a message on her answer machine, he's a friend of the fiancé and is about to board a plane to Italy, off she goes. Romantic? No scary. She travels across Italy looking for Damon, before running into Robert Downey Jr's character in Rome, who claims to be Mr Bradley. Causing her to jump into his arms and his bed, no questions asked. The film then turns into a sort of I am Spartacus moment, where everyone claims to be Damon. Each time she believes this without question, come on Faith, check the wallet. Anyway Jr isn't put off by her crusade and in the end she gets him. Sorry fiancé you're dumped, probably by postcard.
There are some other travellers, Cameron Diaz's character Christina Walters in The Sweetest Thing, travels cross country, with some penis in the eye and mouldy maggot infested turkey related adventures. Meeting Peter on a night out she hates him, she can't stand him, then all of a sudden this vixen, who can't be tamed, wants to be on a leash. Knowing that he's going to a wedding she travels cross country to the wedding, fancy dress montage included. Makes it to the church and conveniently finds doubting bride, who calls off the wedding. The wedding with Peter as the groom and not the guest. Despite all this Christina and her man end up together, shock.
Then there are those who go a little boiler and then realise that after all this time and effort he's really not for them. Jennifer Anniston's character Kate Mosley in Picture Perfect, makes up a boyfriend sends herself flowers and scripts arguments with him in pursuit of her boss. The man she has hired as fake boyfriend, who through lack of backbone/brain goes along with Kate's marionette theatre plan. He somehow finds this endearing and falls in love with her. 
Then there's Elle Woods in Legally Blonde, who after being dumped by her sweetheart because he's off to College to study Law, swaps her fashion major for a Law degree from Harvard "What like it's hard?".
 Elle wins this round though because she realises that she is making a huge mistake, (unlike some of the other leading ladies) and actually becomes a Lawyer and wears pink, how fun! 

The worst thing about these type of films is that more often than not there's a jilted fiancé or doting, but slightly straight laced boyfriend, who we don't see again. Or what's even more painful they know, just know that the girlfriend/fiancé doesn't love them anymore and they just say fair enough. We don't see the tears, the curling up in the shower, the break up beard or their inability to trust a woman fully ever again, just the happy ever after of their ex.
So thanks films and film makers for giving people an excuse to bad name our gender, and maybe showing the misogyny in films, just a little more subtly than others. And remember that youngsters are impressionable and where parents are worrying about sexual content in pop songs they should worry about rom coms, because in real life these advances get people arrested and given injunctions. So stop worrying about the songs and start worrying about the films, just look at how acceptable Facebook stalking is.

Cheers Glenn.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

Why I can't be a film journalist


It's 2013 and news feeds and social networking sites will be full of vomit producing gush-a-thons about user's years and how this one should be amazing, because last year was totally shit.  This leads you to swallow that soap box inner monologue of "go to a third world country, then complain" (hashtag first world problems) #justsayin.  Then that would probably promote statuses about how hard they are working for said ticket to said third world country, and then they'd probably spur themselves on with a 'hey at least I'll get a tan ;) <3'.  And then you will stop looking at that user because it was getting obsessive, and the fact that you selected the place for them to travel on, the airline and the family to stay with was probably too much, never mind the driver at the airport.  Then the next day you might post up a status about your latte was made wrong , and the hypocritical nature will get too much, and you eat the vowels of your computer keyboard in shame, anyway I digress.

New year promotes new start, but I'm hanging onto my gripes of last year.  Starting my little life obsessed with music, recording the top 40 on a tape player, checking music charts on Ceefax, reading and memorising music magazines and staying up late to listen to John Peel, I decided I wanted to be a music journalist, it was written.  Growing up I went to more and more gigs and wrote reviews on the Internet and that spiralled and now I'm here.
My plan b was film journalism having always loved films and the fact that I relished giving my opinions, ergo write about films.  The thing that held me back was the graphic nature of films, knifes, bones protruding and gouging etc.  Nevertheless I was able to review a few films for my student newspaper, but this year it dawned on me that this dream will never be a reality.  Sporadically I used to exchange micro 140 character opinions with former BBC Radio 1 film critic James King and now I'm just going to have to live vicariously through him.  The audience seem to want more blood, guts and gore and whilst this happens my plan b becomes a plan z.  Several films this year I have seen were wasted on me, as I covered my eyes and ears and rolled up like a frightened armadillo.  Not even the lure of the delicious Tom Hardy in Lawless could keep me watching, throat slitting, neck breaking and disembowelling was just too much for me.  Since seeing this film I have been reminded by several people that it is an 18 who scolded me with a "What did you expect?".  Someone told me when I was younger 'See you next Tuesday' can sometimes affect the rating, so maybe I expected Tom Hardy naked, dropping the C-Bomb,whilst Shia LaBeouf, the maverick has sex with a co star for real in the film and makes it into a porn, and then there's a little bit of prohibition thrown in there somewhere.  Either way I was wrong and though a great story, with brilliant acting particularly Guy Pearce, costumes and hints of dry comedy it was all lost on me as the scene where Tom's character held his own sliced throat together took over and now haunts me.

Cabin in the woods another one, zombies, never zombies nothing worse, but the piece da resistance, Drive.  Though not released this year, this was the year I got round to seeing it.  Carey Mulligan and her adorable familiar face couldn't let me down could it? And I'd heard Ryan Gosling got his kit off, so I couldn't be that bad really?  Slow scene of a characters head being blown apart answered my questions for me. The film was too intense and switched off, two weeks later I gave it another go.  Giving my self advice before round two "breath it's just a film it's not real"...head stomped to pulp with some tasty sound effects, off Drive went.  A day later it was switched back on, cushion for safety, under the duvet for comfort, in comes Ryan hammer in hand, film was stopped and deleted off the tablet as he gestured to smack someone's teeth in with a hammer. Lesson learnt.

I would make some kind of plea to the powers that be to award a new classification 'G' for gory. Having learnt that my plan to create an app called 'How Gory'  wouldn't work and would probably be used for people who wanted to know where they could salivate over this stuff rather than be used by people with my plight, who are just too squeamish.

Anyway that's my first world problem, being lucky enough to watch a lot of films - a couple even in those posh over priced seats, and complain about how I have to put my hands over my eyes.

Happy new year!