Why I can't be a film journalist

It's 2013 and news feeds and social networking sites will be full of vomit producing gush-a-thons about user's years and how this one should be amazing, because last year was totally shit.  This leads you to swallow that soap box inner monologue of "go to a third world country, then complain" (hashtag first world problems) #justsayin.  Then that would probably promote statuses about how hard they are working for said ticket to said third world country, and then they'd probably spur themselves on with a 'hey at least I'll get a tan ;) <3'.  And then you will stop looking at that user because it was getting obsessive, and the fact that you selected the place for them to travel on, the airline and the family to stay with was probably too much, never mind the driver at the airport.  Then the next day you might post up a status about your latte was made wrong , and the hypocritical nature will get too much, and you eat the vowels of your computer keyboard in shame, anyway I digress.

New year promotes new start, but I'm hanging onto my gripes of last year.  Starting my little life obsessed with music, recording the top 40 on a tape player, checking music charts on Ceefax, reading and memorising music magazines and staying up late to listen to John Peel, I decided I wanted to be a music journalist, it was written.  Growing up I went to more and more gigs and wrote reviews on the Internet and that spiralled and now I'm here.
My plan b was film journalism having always loved films and the fact that I relished giving my opinions, ergo write about films.  The thing that held me back was the graphic nature of films, knifes, bones protruding and gouging etc.  Nevertheless I was able to review a few films for my student newspaper, but this year it dawned on me that this dream will never be a reality.  Sporadically I used to exchange micro 140 character opinions with former BBC Radio 1 film critic James King and now I'm just going to have to live vicariously through him.  The audience seem to want more blood, guts and gore and whilst this happens my plan b becomes a plan z.  Several films this year I have seen were wasted on me, as I covered my eyes and ears and rolled up like a frightened armadillo.  Not even the lure of the delicious Tom Hardy in Lawless could keep me watching, throat slitting, neck breaking and disembowelling was just too much for me.  Since seeing this film I have been reminded by several people that it is an 18 who scolded me with a "What did you expect?".  Someone told me when I was younger 'See you next Tuesday' can sometimes affect the rating, so maybe I expected Tom Hardy naked, dropping the C-Bomb,whilst Shia LaBeouf, the maverick has sex with a co star for real in the film and makes it into a porn, and then there's a little bit of prohibition thrown in there somewhere.  Either way I was wrong and though a great story, with brilliant acting particularly Guy Pearce, costumes and hints of dry comedy it was all lost on me as the scene where Tom's character held his own sliced throat together took over and now haunts me.

Cabin in the woods another one, zombies, never zombies nothing worse, but the piece da resistance, Drive.  Though not released this year, this was the year I got round to seeing it.  Carey Mulligan and her adorable familiar face couldn't let me down could it? And I'd heard Ryan Gosling got his kit off, so I couldn't be that bad really?  Slow scene of a characters head being blown apart answered my questions for me. The film was too intense and switched off, two weeks later I gave it another go.  Giving my self advice before round two "breath it's just a film it's not real"...head stomped to pulp with some tasty sound effects, off Drive went.  A day later it was switched back on, cushion for safety, under the duvet for comfort, in comes Ryan hammer in hand, film was stopped and deleted off the tablet as he gestured to smack someone's teeth in with a hammer. Lesson learnt.

I would make some kind of plea to the powers that be to award a new classification 'G' for gory. Having learnt that my plan to create an app called 'How Gory'  wouldn't work and would probably be used for people who wanted to know where they could salivate over this stuff rather than be used by people with my plight, who are just too squeamish.

Anyway that's my first world problem, being lucky enough to watch a lot of films - a couple even in those posh over priced seats, and complain about how I have to put my hands over my eyes.

Happy new year!